Ni Hao, Ya'll.
While most of the ESG squad is in Dallas for the semi-annual OEM love fest, I am a tad more east.
This is going to be a long one so I'll make it a series. This initial entry will have little or nothing to do with some of the amazing business and economic discoveries I have made, as those will follow. Instead, this blog will have nothing to do with anything other than things I have found interesting. Feel free to skip it.
As I write I'm heading from Beijing to Yi Chang, which is somewhere far away because everything is far away in China. This is one giant country.
I came to Beijing on Saturday, on what is arguably the most awful flight one can take. I don't care what class you are in, flying that long anywhere stinks. Trips like this are the only time in life I feel really bad for those with the misfortune to be tall.
Landing in Beijing, I'm stuck by a few things immediately. First, the airport is roughly the size of Guatemala. I land at the new Olympic terminal, in a bit of a fog, and proceed to walk well over 14 miles to end up on a train packed with other zombies, hoping to end up at baggage claim. Second observation – a 12 hour time difference is brutal. The whole "night is day and day is night" thing sounds good, but it isn't. Watching the Red Sox lose at 9AM is no fun. Watching the Pats get crushed at 9:30 is worse. When you are old like me your body sort of just says, "are you kidding me?" once 8pm hits. Third observation, for the first two days in Beijing, there is nothing but spectacular blue sky. The Chinese actually can control the weather after all. Don't assume, I tell myself.
There are 16 million people who live in Beijing. There are another 10 million or so who show up in the city every day. I think there are 16 million people in Canada. This city is ridiculously large. It looks fantastic, I might add. The Chinese are single minded and focused when they put their collective mind to something. They wanted their city and country to shine to the world for the Olympics, and judging by the look of the place, they succeeded – perhaps literally.
This may be my favorite country. Partially because it is so foreign, in almost every conceivable respect, but also because when you get through your preconceived ideological issues and perceptions, this might be the most friendly, hard working, educated, and supremely powerful but unassuming country on the planet. This is one vibrant place. Maybe it's the never ending giant buildings that make Chicago look like a cute little suburb. Maybe it's seeing "IT Town" or seeing Google written in Chinese on a giant building next to EMC/VMware and every other Silicon Valley player in a row – and knowing that the power brokers of our most important industries are just one of a zillion here.
There is no good Chinese food in America. There is no bad Chinese food in China. There is bizarre food, and unfortunately the more "guest of honor" ish you appear the more bizarre the offerings.
The ESG-Sino team is awesome. This is the first time I've met most of them. Kim Wang has a squad of 7 who apparently never have to sleep. I'll show photo's later, but for those of you used to seeing me in my Napoleon ego moments stomping around with my fabulously spectacular six-foot blonde wife Jess on my right and the equally lovely six-foot blonde Taya on my left would get a kick out of the Chinese version. Kim and Heidi (which of course is not her actual name – I'm not sure why the Chinese feel compelled to take on English names – Chong wants me to call him Tony) are each approximately 4'10" and weigh slightly less than my backpack – combined. With the blondes I am a fire hydrant between the twin towers (or a "short man sandwich" as a patron of the Pats/49ers game belted out last week in San Francisco), but in China I'm the tall guy with the two tiny Asian women. Both situations make me look better than I am, I just show up faster in the Chinese version. One might assume that the Chinese eat every 3-4 days since they are generally outrageously thin people, but I can put that myth to rest. These lady's eat more than anyone I've ever seen, and I'm no stranger to a fork. It's true the Chinese tend to not eat the garbage we Americans do (though I swear KFC is single handedly attempting to destroy millions of years of Chinese culture), they eat lots of veggies and don't use all the gross oils, but man, these 92lb. women would give an NFL offensive lineman a run for his money. Perhaps it is because they never sleep. I would like to see the science on this.
As good as the food is, the wine really sucks. That is a problem for me. I really don't drink much beer anymore because A: it makes me pee twice as often as normal which is bad because B: I already pee 11 times an hour. You can't drink the water, which means you can't use ice. That rules out all the good booze. I'm not sure how the Chinese survive this particular issue actually.
There was some kind of international Navy thing happening at my hotel, where I was one of about 9 non-Asians as I counted. Apparently everyone in China can speak English significantly better than I can. As I waited for my car – yes, my car, which means a vehicle driven by someone else because anyone who attempts to drive in China should have their head examined, another car pulled up and out came the Royal Naval Admiral of FubuWubu, or some country I've never heard of. It was right out of a movie. Chief big Admiral had 856 medals on his 5 foot 2 inch frame, and more gold braids than Carol Burnett in her famous Rhett Butler skit. His trusty aid was an 8 foot tall hunchback who was 90% bald with a long beard, a brown version of the uniform, half the braids and medals, and violent smokers cough. I fully expected women to appear out of nowhere to toss rose pedals on the ground. Mutt and Jeff could not have possibly been part of a legitimate Navy of a legitimate country, but the Chinese were doing their thing and making them feel like they were the power brokers of the world. I saw the Dutch Navy represented, so I know it was a legitimate event, but these guys might have actually been the entire Malawali Navy. I will never know.
96% of Chinese males over the age of 5 smoke. They also smoke everywhere and anywhere. Nothing is off limits apparently – elevators, restaurants, taxi's, you name it. I have not seen a female smoke in China, though I suspect they must. Perhaps the worst thing about it, and maybe the worst thing about China, is since they all smoke, they are forever hacking up monstrous gobs of phlegm – and launching said gob wherever they happen to be. It is disturbing, but I'm the only one who seems to notice so I try to not hurl. If that's the worst they have, I can live with it. My wife probably would not have been so forgiving.
98% of Chinese drive, at the same time, in Beijing. The Chinese love Buicks. I have no idea why, but Buick must have 75% of the market wrapped up. All Chinese cars have model numbers that look like this: 87MDLR876RZ5L3C98E – no kidding. Right on the back in shiny plastic chrome. I don't think I saw a car with less than 11 characters describing it. A lot of Audi's as well. Audi must have the number two spot behind Buick.
As we pulled into the Beijing Airport to board this flight, there was a Ferrari 430 out front with approximately 600 people around it. Unfortunately about 100 of them were cops. I have no idea what he did but I bet speed had something to do with it. That's a $300,000+ car and Kim tells me they are all over Beijing. Anywhere there are tons of Ferrari's has got to be an OK place. That's sort of my own international law. Do with it as you will.
The Beijing airport is fantastic. However, if you are in need of a casual shirt to wear on the boat you are heading too, I advise you to plan in advance. I just paid $200 bucks for a Hugo Boss shirt I'm quite certain would have been $18 at Marshall's in Franklin, MA. I bet my wife rolled over and smiled in her sleep. Isn't China supposed to be cheap? Does the dollar work anywhere anymore?
Last night we had dinner with the CEO and Number Two (I made that up, but I like it) of a Chinese manufacturer and Systems Integrator named Soul. They didn't get my Starsky and Hutch reference. As you are probably aware, weird things happen to me in my travels. Over the years I have learned to ignore the weird meetings with people in weird parts of the world where folks know things about me that can only mean that they really try to know things about me. It used to freak me out, but now I just sort of go with the flow. Some might remember the story of the guy in Israel who waited for me at my hotel all night until I arrived, knew who I was, and then wanted to tell me how Larry Ellison sent him on a mission. Last night, after a brutally long and tiring day, I went to dinner with these nice guys, Mr. Zhang (just like my Lily) and Mr. Ma. Mr. Zhang owns the place, and has done well for himself. He speaks about 25 words of English (I'm up to 5 Chinese words myself), so imagine my surprise (horror, initially if I can be honest) when during our walk he blurts out of nowhere – "Your wife – Jessica", followed with – "Your dog – Abby". The 60 seconds that followed that were the most intense 60 seconds I can remember, post college drug experimentation. I didn't have any idea what to say or do. I'm pretty sure I just stared at him, and might have drooled as I'm sure my mouth hung open. It's weird when an Israeli knows you – when he doesn't really know you, but for some reason my brain just sort of accepted that as "well, this is Israel, and he must be the Mossad" or something. I would not have been any more taken back had it come from a random guy on the streets of Zimbabwe. Turns out he has been an avid blog reader, and not a crazed psychopath, so all is well. It does make me stop to consider that my writing style may have some issues in translation, but if my pals in Scandinavia and China keep reading, I probably shouldn't screw with it. Pretty flattering, in a creepy, "you people do know I'm really not very smart, right?" kind of way.
I don't know how to say goodbye, so I'll use thank you instead.
Xie Xie
Comments